Now Hiring: Director of Human Resources in Deerfield Beach

Now Hiring

 Director of Human Resources

for

City of Deerfield Beach

posted June 2010

Qualifications:

*Must be able to do the following:

Lie

Cheat

Steal

Must have the "balls" to fire over 106 individuals, many of which are City residents, under the guise of saving money and then be able to convincingly hide the truth from the public.

Must be a team player and go along with all lies told by the City Commissioners and City Manager to create a feeling of dire financial need within the City, all while hiding the fact that upper management is making insane amounts of money.

Must have no conscience and be able to kiss a$$ to secure position and ensure promotions, raises, and benefits for all upper management staff, all without a probationary review or review being performed and properly documented in employee files.

Must be able to effectively convince top union members to screw over loyal, dedicated, and hardworking employees.  Can use any means necessary including but not limited to offering retirement options for those that have not reached the legal retirement age and pay out credits for time worked not actually earned.  

(Don’t worry about the logistics of the “means” the City Commission, via recommendation by the City Manager, will amend the City Charter to accomplish this.)

Also, Must be able to effectively communicate with the City Manager and request reclassifications or reallocations for self, the City Clerk, the Director of Planning & Growth Management and any other individuals/employees that will and/or did play intrical roles in the fleecing and then the robbing of the residents of Deerfield Beach.

*The above listed attributes are non-negotiable.

Please note: The City of Deerfield Beach uses a stringent and thorough background screening process for all new hires to our upper management team.  So, all of the below will be verified via telephone by the hiring agent (Burgess Hanson, City Manager) and no documentation will be provided, so don’t worry about actually submitting any paperwork, even when asked by the City’s HR Generalist (an individual that will be your subordinate when you are handed the position). 

3 employment history references

Copies of all Licenses, diplomas, and degrees earned

Professional references

The City of Deerfield Beach provides a comprehensive and undeserved salary and benefits package and will provide raises at your request. 

(We have it worked out so that the residents will pay a 10% Utility tax next year to pay for our Commission and Management Benefits and employments packages.)

Starting salary upon acceptance is $106,000 annually with increases at your discretion, secretly throughout the first year of employment.

(Let’s just say between me and you by July 2011, thanks to an internal equity review you, the City Clerk, and the others will be at or near $125,185.01, maxing out the 58 pay grade.  Don’t worry about the residents and their financial struggles, their opinions or questions, Joan Maurice aka “The Ganz Gremlin” will let them know that this pay rate increase while the City is imposing a 10% Utility tax on them is none of their business.)

A re-location expense reimbursement of $3,000.00 or less will be provided by the City.

You will begin your employment with the City with a bank of thirty (30) days accrued sick leave and you will begin earning vacation at the rate of twenty (20) days per year both to reflect your long-term tenure as a professional public service department head.

You will be eligible for retirement benefits through the City’s defined contribution plan (401k), which the City contributes 8% of your salary and you will contribute 4% of your salary for which you will be fully vested in 5 years.

If you possess all of the above qualifications and think you can pass our meticulous background screening process and you are willing to sacrifice and accept our employment package and benefits, please submit your resume to Burgess Hanson, City Manager at 1-800-YOU-STFU.

Sorry for the inconvenience or trouble this post may have caused you and at the very least the 106 unemployed individuals and many other residents in Deerifled Beach who are out of work and seeking employment, but as it turns out this job posting was and has been filled since July 2010 by

Mike Milanowski.

Also, I apologize to all of those non-uniformed employees who got screwed by the negotiation tactics of IUPAT under Joe Metts, Wayne Adams and others (who the majority of which were allowed to retire this year, some at 44 and below.)

Hopefully, the non-uniformed employees will wise up and select better representation that can't be bought and bossed.